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Basking in Hope Through Emotional Turbulence - by Caitlin Meath

January 4, 2020

Does anyone else feel like they go through emotional turbulence throughout the recovery process? No matter the length of “time sober,” I unearth new growing pains as I like to refer to them. They are ever changing, ever evolving. For this I am grateful. I have also found that once I have walked or perhaps crawled through these emotional uproars, I come out the other side with perspective shift I never knew existed, strength I never realized I had within and immense gratitude for the notion of process. The more I lean into the pain, whether it is a past wound which has been buried deep within the walls of my "don't go there" vault or it is a current fear-based scenario, I must go through it to grow through it. This is a truth of mine and I am here to tell you that is works.

It is fascinating to me that all of the knowledge, words, speeches and text books in the world do not have the capability to facilitate the type of growth I speak of here. It is the milestones in which I recognize Caitlin again; I see the woman who has been there all along, but was closed off from feeling and processing for years. Often times, it is not "fun" and requires that I reach out to my trusted sober supports, in other words it takes some work on my part. My sponsor may suggest that I write out an inventory of my fears and current beliefs so that I fully digest why certain nagging emotions are effecting me.  Perhaps I am disarming myself so to see the reality of the situation. From there, I am more likely and prepared to own my part while simultaneously letting go of what is no longer mine to carry. It may be suggested I read an excerpt from the Big Book which correlates to my life at the moment,  I may be instructed to read that excerpt every morning for a week.  I will need to invite my higher power into this process and maybe bump up the number of meetings I am attending that week. I would like to reiterate that this is a pattern of action which works for me. I recognize that there are multiple pathways to recovery and I whole heartedly support any pathway one may utilize. 

I did not get to this point overnight so I will not walk through the fire overnight either. It takes some purposeful intention on my part, an openness and true honesty. This is backwards from my delusional first intent. Often times, I must learn in the most messy of ways, that I do not write the outcomes (and thank goodness I don’t). I would likely lace them with fear, limit them with self pity and HIDE. 

When these innate truths are given room to breathe and manifest, I am able to truly see the real me. These truths present themselves as strength, grace, forgiveness, understanding, acceptance, peace, confidence and so much more. These are the gifts! The gifts I previously scoffed at being apart of my make-up and my future.

If there is one message I may thoroughly convey it would be this: everything is temporary, but we may not skip chapters because they exist for reasons outside of our realm of knowledge. Furthermore, they exist solely because we make a commitment to be willing and brave enough to face the unknown. We must unlearn and rewire the defense mechanisms we utilized during active use to survive. It is now time to thrive, to be kind to ourselves and to bask in the unfolding story. You are so worthy of this soul work…so very worthy. After all, it is the unconditioned you just begging to be free.

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