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Limitlessness - by Caitlin Meath

February 15, 2020

For those of us who have felt the discomfort, hurt, pain and demoralization of traumas, self-hatred and disease – they tell us that we are not the answer, that we are not worthy enough to be called home anymore. That wholeness is greatly lacking within us and we are fundamentally broken individuals with no chance of redemption. We believe that attaining outside of ourselves will somehow relinquish that undeniable anguish we had fed for so long. I can scour this earth for more, but it will never truly fulfill me the way I am seeking and in addition, it only prolongs true healing. I couldn’t heal because I kept pretending that I wasn’t hurt. 

I continue to come to terms with the idea that my true worth will never be found in gaining, but in meeting myself. When I was lost and needed support, I was really longing to meet myself. When I was drowning in a sea of lonely beliefs, I was being called to places so I could come closer to my truth and my value. This took patience and willingness to understand that I will always be the answer I search for. 

This true self is one that is free of narratives and suffering, it can serve as a powerful guidance source if I am willing. When I start to divert, point fingers, distract or harm others I am really denying myself the opportunity to step into my own self-love.

I can recall a time when I was in the belly of despair and active use, I had moments where clarity flowed. Moments where “getting better” seemed reasonable, if not downright necessary. I can recall a day, in the middle of that torturous existence, taking a “selfie” and captioning it: “Feeling like myself finally!” This was years ago, yet I can still remember that feeling of joy knowing that for a moment I tapped into Caitlin. I can still FEEL that breath of relief like it was yesterday. A moment of calm and peace. For me, this tells me all I need to know regarding what will heal us, what is truly important and where to start. 

Another short anecdote which jogs my memory: I was lying in a hospital bed after an attempted suicide. I was not well, far from it. Thinking and walking were almost Olympic acts for me. When I was finally able to slowly hobble to the hospital bathroom on my own, I remember looking in the mirror ahead of me. I was death. It was one of the scariest sights I had ever witnessed. It was not me, but it was. I did not recognize myself, yet I absolutely did. I longed to hold that girl in the mirror and tell her to be kinder to herself and that one day, although I couldn’t fathom how or when, light might shine again through my heart. I wanted that girl to be well and to PLEASE heal, but ‘how’ was the unending question of pure hell.

The last short story I will offer is this: just the other day, in sustained long-term recovery, I had the privilege of making amends to a family member of mine. A family member whom I had not had any contact with for several years due to shame and guilt based on my behavior during active addiction. Although I was wrought with nerves and stepping into uncharted territory, I jumped. She was owed this apology; she was owed some answers to her questions and she was owed a coffee date. The conversation took on a life of its own and ended up being freeing beyond words. I was thankful for her gracious replies and well thought out questions regarding my life now. The words that struck me most powerfully were when she looked me dead in my eyes and said, “I do not know this person sitting in front of me, if anything she reminds me most of the girl I knew when you were 13 or 14 years old”. She spoke these words to me with a huge smile on her face and disbelief in her eyes. I will never forget.

I keep my stories and recollections simple, for that is how I learn best. I enjoy reflecting and I also enjoy relaying these lessons to anyone who is willing to read them. They are masterpieces in my life; they are my truths. 

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