The Magnitude of Options - by Caitlin Meath
December 23, 2019
I sincerely did not realize the magnitude of the options which my life had the ability to possess.
As I dug deeper and deeper into a state of numbness, turmoil, destruction and self-loathing it became overly transparent that my life was a series of the exact same horrific experiences over and over - just in different forms. It was a feeling I find difficult to put into words. It is a collapse of all self-respect and a state of utter hopelessness. I understand the irony of saying that this type of living became comfortable, but in fact it did. The substances I was using were picking away at every fiber of my being. They were slowly degrading me to a level of acceptance and understanding that I was lower than dirt and deserved nothing in this world. I came to sincerely believe this. And that is the tragedy of it all, that is the absolute disgusting and devastating nature of any foreign substance we put into our bodies; it wants us dead but will certainly settle for a life of misery and continuous trauma.
Substance use disorder. Alcoholism. Recovery. These aspects of my journey have touched the tenderest parts of my soul. All on complete opposite spectrums of humanism. The baffling part of this is that the same levels of acceptance and surrender were the tools in which I dug myself out of the pits of hell, it was a cry for perspective change. The question of: to what and how do I surrender my entire being?
A couple years ago alcohol, crack cocaine, and heroin were my master. I surrendered my dignity, my heart, my identity, my lifestyle, my daughter, my whole world to these substances. I accepted this was who God intended me to be and that there is no other way of life for me. Better, change and healing were not options in which God saw fit for someone like me. I truly believed that.
It took a tragedy, an act of God and the tiniest thread of hope on one cold September night to allow me to even consider the notion that I was worthy and capable of something different. I am telling you, it hit me like a lightening bolt from the sky and could not have been a clearer conviction which ran through my veins instead of heroin pulsing through my body. And I listened. I finally listened. I heard God telling me that there are in fact options for me. Although surrender was not a new experience for me, that night I surrendered to something far different than what I had previously surrendered to for close to a decade.